Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
