Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
