The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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