Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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