I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My liver just broke up with me...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
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