If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops