She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
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you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
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I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.