the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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