Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
