just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
