This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
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