I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
