He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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