apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
