She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
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