im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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