He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
