he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Randomize
