oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
