so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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