Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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