my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
