i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
