we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
