how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
