Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Randomize
