WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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