the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
