I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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