my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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