I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
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did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
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My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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