seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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