you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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