Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
