Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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