i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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