anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
