Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Someone shit on the floor
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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