And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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