peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
