Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
