i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
