And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
