Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
