I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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