So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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