After last night, I could never be a politician.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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