I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
