I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
