my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
