Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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