I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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