I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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