my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
