i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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