Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
