so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
