I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
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