The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
