I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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