He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
